I wish I could hit that button to pause Life for a moment or two. Trouble is, I can't. Same holds true for the rewind and fast forward. That isn't how Life works. But I can stop to reflect. Look back on everything as I contemplate the future. I am evaluating it all...
Turning that funky 40 isn't helping much either!
You would think, by the time you reach this milestone, you have Life figured out. You're financially stable. Happy...or at least content. You have succeeded in 'getting your shit together'. HA! Ok...not I. With F'ed up 40 about to smack me in the face, I believe I am in the midst of my own mini mid-life crisis!
No, I did not go out and purchase a brand new Ferrari...that would require money & I'm broke. I didn't dye my hair purple (at least not yet). I'm not a part of some New Aged Anything or weird cult. I just came to a point where I am unsatisfied with the shit. And In my world, shit can and does apply to just about everything in Life. I know for a fact, I am not alone in this.
My solution: Heather is going to do some things that other do not agree with...this will result in criticism, bashing, and questioning my God-given sense.
1. Go back to school to pursue a degree.
The program I decided to undertake is in a field completely unrelated to what I work in. And that is the primary reason as to why folks are giving me the side-eye. "You are a damn nurse! You are wasting money! Further the existing degree!" I've heard it all. First, healthcare has drastically changed since my newbie days. I don't agree with many changes. In my mind, it will only become worse. Second, I am not happy. I feel as if my role has become robotic in nature. "Gotta follow the script. Address the keywords." Ahhhh...that's that shit I am dissatisfied with. I've worked nightshift for many years; it plays a toll on the body as well as the mind. I am tired. But, one day, because of my tremors, I feel I won't be able to perform even the simplest of my duties. A fallback is what I need.
Writing is a great passion of mine. I'm not well-known; I'm still trying to carve out my place. Maybe one day. Nor do I claim to know it all. There are many areas which require improvement. I know that. This is another reason why I chose this English/Creative Writing degree. This expensive degree I am paying for will ultimately allow for growth and development. And maybe others will view me as credible. I loved healthcare and sought the education I needed fifteen years ago. Same thing with this
2. Take a new position.
I started doing travel nursing the beginning of this year. Love it! Only a few know about my upcoming assignment. Some disagree with what I am going to do in the coming weeks, including family. I think many believe this was just some decision I made on the spur of the moment. It wasn't. I'm scared. This contract will take me to a place I have never been, where I know not a single person. I will be alone on the other side of the States for an extended period of time. Ten months. 10! In friggin Oregon! For the love of God, what the hell am I doing??? Trying to get myself and my family in a better place, that is what. But, I am still...petrified. This year I won't be with all of my crazies for the holidays...it makes me sad. Then there is the anger I feel at having to take up temporary residence elsewhere in order to have a better life. Why is this something I have to do, my heart screams at my brain. Brain says: It just is.
See #1. It's my passion. Some think writing books is so easy. It ain't! It is a full time job that compensation is very little for. I'm ok with that. I will gladly sacrifice sleep to spend an evening writing. Forget meals because I am so caught up in developing a solid story with round characters. I will cry over my edits because I know the end result will come out polished. In my mind, I am already successful. Chances are, if success happens overnight, it was not earned. I strive to create a good read for the people. Something that is entertaining and equally plausible. What satisfies me about this all? To hear feedback that a book of mine of enjoyed. For a status that read "OMG THAT was a great story!" A friend and fellow author to connect with something I wrote and use that passage as the basis for one of her video blogs (Blaq Phire...check out her Notations videos...awesome!). Or to be considered a reader-turned-friend's Favorite Author (Shatisha). These things alone, to me, are more important than any fat check.
I'm learning so much, especially where AuthorGo is concerned. I consider myself a newbie compared to the ladies involved on that project. They have been doing this for so long, and have done so much. I watch them very closely, like an eager student. Or a damn sponge, soaking up everything I can! They are full of knowledge and their level of creativity just astounds me. It is thrilling to be included in such an event. Humbling. And an honor.
One day, I hope to write full time. Nothing would make me happier than to hang up my stethoscope and just tap away at the keyboard 24/7. At this point, bills and supporting a family is necessary. Well, I think 'mandated' is a better suited word! Maybe by the end of next year. Until then, I just keep on doing what I love and trying different things as I go. I've got many things in store for 2017!
I don't utilize that phrase enough. Up to this point, I spent my days running to please everyone. The happiness and needs of others take precedence over mine. And I bite my tongue. Daily. Until I taste blood. I've was never of the mindset that what I wanted or needed was of greater significance.
My clock, controlled by Life, is ticking away loudly in my ear. Despite what I think, Time is NOT forever promised. Everything known can change, with a blink of the eye. I have to take back my life now, while able to enjoy it still. I don't want to wait until I retire to travel and see the world. I want to sip coffee from a balcony, with the Eiffel Tower wishing me a good morning. Toss coins into Trevi Fountain as I make silly wishes. Spend a week in the mountains, breathe in fresh air, while I remain logged out of FB. Take a cruise with the kids and grands, just because. Or just sit at home, in my pajamas, doing absolutely nothing. Play on SnapChat with the babies. Laughing. Living. Being.
The schedules. Deadlines. To Do Lists. Errands. Chores. They can all KMA.
All of the fussing and fighting. Drama. Bullshit. Opinionated assholes. They can KMA too.
So, anyone else wanna hop a ride on the crazy train? Ya might wanna strap yourself in though. I'm driving...and I think I may just bypass 'mini' and head straight for 'full blow midlife crisis'! Oh, well...Life is meant to be lived. And I do so, at least now, unapologetic-ally.