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Free Style

As I said on FB, occasionally I write free verse. It's my emotional dumping pile. It's an unedited strand of thoughts, put together by me to free myself. Give it a read and share if you like.

Merlot. A Shovel. And a Shallow Grave

By Heather Rae Merlot. Two glasses in. We're comfortable on the couch Chatting it up. Nothing special. Just two friends sharing life events. Work. Kids. Places we've visited. Reconnecting, I guess you could say. Our words are genuine, sincere. "I'm happy for you" While I'm relieved all is well, Sadness takes a seat on my shoulder. He is ok. I am not. Before I can think on it A cork pops. We share a laugh and a second bottle. Just like old times. He smiles in the way that he does. With ease. Confident. Charming. Dangerous. I feel the air shift. The heavy heat of blood Racing through my veins. Tiny hairs standing at attention down my neck. Side effects of that damn merlot. Got me feeling warm and fuzzy. That is how I attempt to rationalize. To excuse the inevitable. What I warned him of. And with loosened lips I reminisce. Shovel. With the rusty edge I dig deep And Unearth the past, Giving voice to secrets Better off keeping. It was eleven years ago we met Give or take a few. I can visualize every second As if it just happened. The place. The time. The clothes we wore. Do you remember the day? Of course he did. I couldn't help looking your way Hoping you wouldn't see Whispering a prayer that you'd Speak to me. He hadn't. In fact, our paths weren't to cross again For several weeks. I miss you. I neglected, as always, to elaborate. Did he need to know of all the sleepless nights? The tears I've cried? Would it matter? No. His reply came, simple Mirroring my own admission. The knot of fear lodged in my throat. I took a final sip of the merlot And plowed the shovel one last time into the earth. I've been in love with you for 9 1/2 years. Let me die now. A Shallow Grave. The silence is deafening. Bile crawls up my throat Its oily taste coating my tongue. Minutes tick by. We each say nothing. My instinct is to run. That's what I've always done. But as I stare into this grave I've dug I make a decision to let it all go. To be free. With a clear albeit trembling voice I speak. I will not spend my life Regretting all I did not say. I will no longer sabotage my happiness By saying I don't deserve it. Or a man like you. Because, Dammit, I do. I think of all the good I've done for the wrong people And relish the thoughts of what I'd do for the right one. We've had some wonderful times You and I. Forever to be cherished memories. 3,384 days were spent loving A person I know does not love me. Please don't tell me otherwise. My blackened heart knows differently. Time to move forward. Bury not only my issues but the feelings I have for you. I closed my eyes and walked away from the sweetest mistake I've ever made. 

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